Esperando....

Lately it seems like all I am doing is waiting. Esperando. Hasta que pase...algo. No sé qué. Waiting for something to happen.

It turns out this whole out-of-state teacher certification is not quite as easy as it seemed. This has to be the longest process ever. I "got" my job in March. Spring Break. Before any of the other interns. I was so happy, it seemed perfect. A gift from God. A sign that this was exactly where He wanted me. Teaching in a 4th grade bilingual class, Language Arts and Social Studies. Perfect. Then of course through April I was still waiting, anxious for something to be more official since they had offered me the job in the interview. And I finally got the call with the offer. So exciting! But of course it was pending TX certification. NBD, this happens all the time. Nothing to worry about. So graduation comes and goes and I'm excited to start my first year of teaching. But I have to wait for my degree to post to get my transcript. Then I have to wait for everyone else's degrees to post so that the U of A certification person can take them to Little Rock. Then I have to wait for the Arkansas Department of Education to approve my certificate. And I wait. And I wait. And I realize I need to pay $100 more. And I wait. And this whole time I'm in communication with the certification specialist for McKinney ISD, but the Texas Education Agency won't look at my credentials until I actually have some. So I wait. And then Arkansas approves my license! Hooray!!! There was much rejoicing!!!

But I still have to wait for the certificate to come in the mail. But time is limited so I have them send a letter to TEA verifying my license. And I send all the necessary documents and get my fingerprints done and pay hundreds of dollars that I don't have to get everything submitted.

And after months of worrying and waiting I felt like things were finally happening for real. But then I called TEA to see if they'd received everything and they told me that it could take 2 to 3 more weeks to even scan anything in to process. And now, you see, time is sensitive. New teachers start back August 13. Three weeks puts me at the end of july. I can't take any of the tests I need to take until I get my review of credentials back. And no one can hire me officially unless all of this happens before August. I talked to the McKinney certification specialist again and there's literally nothing we can do except hope and pray. And wait. And meanwhile the other interns have found jobs, are attending professional development, meeting with their teams and setting up their classrooms.

Here's the thing. I have never been good at waiting. I am an impatient person. So maybe God is trying to teach me to learn to wait on Him. But waiting and not worrying is hard. In my heart I believe that He wants me here for a reason. That all of this fell together so perfectly because it's His will. But now I'm starting to worry because I really don't know what happens if this falls through. Teaching is the only thing I've ever wanted to do. I feel like I've waited so long for this first year. For someone who's known  what they've wanted to do since kindergarten, 13 years of public education, 4 years of undergrad and a year of grad school is a really long time to wait. And here I am all ready to start and it's not happening. I think maybe my greatest fear right now is that this is going to fall through. And I don't know what I'll do. Logically I know that my identity is not only in teaching but in Christ. That there is more to life than a job. That, in the scheme of 18 years of waiting, one more isn't so bad. But in my heart, I'm terrified. I don't know what happens if this job falls through. If I can't do the only thing I've ever wanted to do. Even though I am still fully aware of how blessed I am and how full my life is, right now this seems like the worst thing in the world and the waiting is torture!

But apparently at this point it's out of my hands and try as I might I can't really do anything about it. My tears fall in vain. All I can do is hope. And pray. And wait. And know that God is good. Because He is, you know. Even if this doesn't work out, God is good.